赤誠追尋神

星期二對一後，其中一樣我希望儘快突破的事情──就是勝過怕人、怕錯、怕壓力的性格，讓神放在我裡面的潛質可以發揮出來。

很自然地，這兩天我常常都會想起這節經文：「愛裡沒有懼怕；愛既完全，就把懼怕除去。」

嗯嗯，我知道只要倚靠神，說，我一定能夠勝過的！

當然，我還是很希望父神能夠給我一點鼓勵。

今天下午，我無意中笠到一本題目為「與神相遇」的書（你知道．．．小赤一看見這類題目就如蟻「嬲」蜜糖，很難忍手不去揭兩下的）；

豈料打開第一頁，大大段half page印著的，不是「願你吸引我，我就快跑跟從你。」「你們親近神，神必親近你。」這類經文，而是：「神賜給我們，不是膽怯的心，乃是剛強、仁愛、謹守的心。」

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control

好像與書名沒有直接關係，這本書一開始，就是講述作者的個人見證，神如何幫助她勝過她人生中最大的問題－－怯懦。其中一段，是神給作者的一個異夢：

在夢中，她的編號是29，她知道這個數字代表著「被揀選」。她站在皇宮中，有仇敵恐嚇、陷害她，嘗試使她懼怕、逃跑。然後，王的兒子卻尋找她，揀選了她成為新婦，並把權杖交給她。

在做了這個夢以後，神指示她看以斯帖記2:9：「希該喜悅以斯帖，就恩待她，急忙給她需用的香品和她所當得的分，又派所當得的七個宮女服事她，使她和她的宮女搬入女院上好的房屋。」

If the devil finds us uninterested in evil, then he'll try to get us to focus on our unworthiness and inability. In my own pursuit of God, I often become preoccupied with ME!

It was easy to think that being constantly aware of my faults and weakness was humility. It's not! If I'm the main subject, talking incessantly about my weakness, I have entered into the most subtle form of pride! True brokenness causes complete dependency on God.

I struggled for many years with self-evaluation. Somehow I had developed the notion that this was how I could become holy – by showing tremendous concern for my own motives.

The main problem was that I never found anything good in me. It always led to discouragement, which led to doubt, and eventually took me to unbelief. By being sold on my own unrighteousness, the enemy has disengaged me from effective service.

After many years of trying, I discovered I was not the Holy Spirit. I cannot convict and deliver myself of sin. It brought me to pray in the following manner:

"Father, you know that I don't do so well when I look inward, so I'm going to stop. I am relying on You to point out to me the things that I need to see.

I promise to stay in Your Word. You said that Your Word was a sword – so please use it to cut me deeply. Expose those things in me that are not pleasing to You. But in doing so, please give me the grace to forsake them.

I also promise to come before You daily. Your presence is like a fire. Please burn from me those things that are unpleasing to You. Melt my heart until it becomes like the heart of Jesus. Be merciful to me in these things.

I also promise to stay in fellowship with Your people. You said that iron sharpens iron. I expect You to anoint the "wounds of a friend" to bring me to my senses when I'm being resistant toward You.

Please use these tools to shape my life until Jesus alone is seen in me. I believe that You have given me Your heart and mind. By Your grace I am a new creation. I want that reality to be seen that the name of Jesus would be held in highest honor."

最近一次家聚回程中，我靠在家母膀臂上與她傾談。家母與我分享教兒養女的心得。

「教育兒女，是一件很長久，很需要耐心的工作。有時當父母教兒女的時候，那一刻他不一定明白或接受；但當父母持續一點一點地灌輸，久而久之，他就會向著父母所指的方向成長。」

我立刻仰起臉看著恩慈說：「我不也是這樣嗎？」

在過去，我一直覺得家母很嚴厲，每次與她傾談都會令我的自我傷痕累累．．．但感謝神，每次療傷後，我又會很努力地按著她的教導去嘗試。

在這成長的過程中，雖有許多眼淚，但回看，如果沒有家母給我的許多破碎與修正，我很可能繼續遺留在自我中心、反叛，小姐脾氣裡，沒有機會被神用。

今天看見Raymond與恩慈的眾多兒女（無論是肉身或屬靈的）長大成人，如好友皇后所說：Raymond家聚雖然不是大將雲集，但至少是全民皆兵──無論是弟兄或姊妹，年長或年青，專業人仕或家庭主婦，都是同心積極地事奉神。

而他們的肉身兒子志峰，也是我常私下稱讚的一個年青人，前程無可限量。看見這些纍纍的果子，除了令我的心更尊重他們，也理解到神的律是很真實的。

不忍用杖打兒子的，是恨惡他；疼愛兒子的，隨時管教。
教養孩童，使他走當行的道，就是到老，他也不偏離。

http://www.ziondaily.com/chi/truth/article_view.php?rec=1778

那天在車上，我繼續向恩慈請教關於育嬰事奉裡的心得。家母所帶出的真理，過去我或多或少都略有認知，但從她口中說出來，結合了多年的實際經驗與智慧，又完全是另一回事，正好解答了我遇到的困難，令我大開眼界。