赤誠追尋神

On 17 May 2004, I woke up at around 3:00am.
Peace surrounded me and a question came to my mind "So what kind of reward you would like to receive?"
I know the question is referring to the article I wrote on 9 May (做俾人睇).
It seems that Father was asking me "If now I give you all the rewards you've accumulated so far, what do you want?"

The question is straight forward and I've never thought about it.
If you know Daddy's heart, you'll know His heart is actually very compassionate and generous to His beloved child.
I recalled tests and situations I've passed through that means much to me and I know, to Him also. No. It's not difficult at all to touch His heart, to move Him.
At that quiet moment, I felt that whatever I ask Him, He will grant.

Though never thought about this question, I come up with the answer almost immediately.
The fact is -- if you do have a strongest desire, it shouldn't take long to locate it.

I quickly wrote my wish in my diary.
"我定意在我生命中追尋神的同在！
Become absolutely one and share the same MISSION with Christ.
Only this can satisfy me!"

It is wonderful beyond description to understand what your heart is craving and know that it will be satisfied. I soon slept soundly.
In the next morning, I don't feel anything special when I got up. As part of my weekday life - washing face, changing clothes, I got myself ready and gripped a book from the bookshelf before I left.

On the bus, I opened the book. It's "the Priestly Bride" written by Anna Rountree. I ordered the book in 2001 right after it was published and read it through immediately after its arrival. But I must confess that it was very difficult to me. I don't think I really understood half of it at that time.
I choose this book on that morning mainly for referring something in my new website CJC. I flipped to Chapter three and started to read without much expectation. But then...it speaks to me.

Each sentence of the chapter, I can now understand much better than 3 years ago.
And I'm overwhelmed with emotions while I read this:

The choice was clear – life or death. If I wanted more life – more of Him – it would cost me.
What will it cost me? I quickly asked myself.
Everything, I quickly answered, everything else.

But what is that everything else? I again asked myself.
Death. Everything outside of Him is death, death wearing a mask, mere delusion.
No, I thought to myself, let others have more of the world. I want more of God.

I got up from the floor of the nest and sat beside Him on its rim. I looked into those clear eyes.
"I want You as my reward, Lord.
Since You have promised to be my reward, the only reward I will accept is You."
Laying the bouquet in my lap, I put my arms around Him, resting my head on His chest.
"You, Lord. I want my Lover, my Friend; I want my Husband and my Strong Tower.
I love You and will be satisfied with nothing but You."

"My little princess," He said, kissing me softly on my forehead, "I love you."
I tilted my head to look up at Him.
"Thank You for loving me," I said.
Then I turned my head to His chest. How secure I felt with His arms around me, how happy, how complete and totally at peace.

I asked quietly, "Did You watch me grow up?"
"Yes," He answered tenderly.

I thought about the vision – the 3 years old little girl and the gentleman which I have described in 小以斯帖.
Yes. He do watch me grow up.

Well, much of this book is still a mystery to me and I won't pretend that I can now explain clearly to you what it means to be a Radiant Bride on this earth.
I know He is still waiting for me to grow into full maturity.
Hope it won't take longer than He expected.